Dear Friends and Fellow History Enthusiasts:

We, the leadership team of il Principato di Melioria, would like to address an issue that unfortunately came up recently at one of our events. One of us witnessed an exchange in which a lady made an unnecessarily snide comment about another ladys physical appearance and features, directly to her face. It was one of those things that was disingenuously framed as a helpful remark or a suggestion, but in the context and the manner of its delivery, it was clearly meant as a put-down. The Lady to whom it was addressed had the good taste and self-control to merely ignore the comment, but when we realized what had passed in the conversation, we were quite unhappy.

A key part of life in Melioria is that we wish to take an approach to our social interactions that is based upon the best aspects and ideals of 18th century society and history, and the humanism that is at the core of the Enlightenment. In our impromptu conversations and social activities, we ask for our residents and our guests to display the tolerance, respect, and civility that would have been admired and emulated among the best elements of society during the Age of Reason. This is, in part, a matter of preference. We can be anything we want in Second Life, so why not aspire to be the best sort of civilized people we can?

But it also has an historical foundation: the premise of our island is that it is a tourist resort as well as a commercial center. It is a place where gentlemen and ladies from many different nations, political philosophies and religious faiths come together for recreation, intellectual discussion, and to do business. Without civility and an adherence to principles of true mannerliness, good breeding, and decent behavior that were espoused by period authors such as Jonathan Swift, Adolph Freiherr Knigge and the Earl of Chesterfield, the island could not function. In short, it would be bad for business.

Yes, we all know that mean-spirited discourse and public ridicule did happen in this era, particularly in certain environments. But it was not universal by any means, and an over-emphasis on that minor aspect of social life in certain very limited contexts of the 18th century is not only unpleasant, it borders on caricature. Court etiquette as it was developed under Louis XIV and applied in many different nations and principalities in this era was designed to foster decorum and control. One might have made snide commentary about someone else, but most likely it would not have been to their face: if one did so, there would have been consequences.

Finally, there is another simple reality to be considered: that mean-spirited comments in open chat are not only inappropriate, but also are nasty to be around. They adversely affect the experience and the ambiance for everyone else. Indeed it is the reputation for such incivility that deters many people we know from participating in roleplay in regions where such behavior is becoming increasingly common, and has even given all of the 18th century Royal Courts regions an undeserved bad reputation among the larger community of historical roleplayers. If you really feel compelled to point out some need for improvement in another persons appearance, behavior or accessories, the polite thing would be to do so in private IM. In our view, such criticism, even if meant to be constructive criticism, should be kept out of public chat.

However, If you really feel that being "catty" is just essential for your characters persona, then, there are places to go where incivility in open chat is acceptable.

But it is not acceptable in Melioria.

If you choose to make egregiously negative comments in open chat -- unless it is a deliberately conceived element of a roleplaying scenario or situation that has been mutually agreed upon by those who are participating -- it will not earn you status or respect in Melioria. In fact, if you persist in displaying this brutta figura while on our island, you will be asked to leave and not return.

Thank you.

Dio Kuhr
Sere Timelss
Aldo Stern

updated by @aldo-stern: 10 Jan 2017 09:18:27AM

Bravo Melioria!! Well deserved kudos to our leadership team.

Beautifully and eloquently said. Thank you Aldo, Dio and Sere. It is a priviledge being a resident of such an enlightened island.

Very well expressed. You have my full support !!!

Melioria is a warm and welcoming place that seems to have chosen culture and tolerance over exclusion. It speaks volumes about the quality of life there.

Well done Signor Stern, you have captured the idea, and said it so clearly. I often find, people get caught up in their character, or just right out catty to realize what they say, this is a good reminder of the basic good manners.

I can only say that every time I read posts about the rude behavior, I feel unhappy.
Melioria was created on the foundations and ideals these wonderful and now run by a wonderful team.
Let me just say this person has behaved badly to be an examination of conscience and team Melioria you want to tell you that I admire very much for your work and for the preservation of this place as enlightened Melioria.
Thank you and keep going like this.

Nothing more to say. I particulary appreciated your statement about what we can be in SL, and I absolutely agree. Talking in general, we should not forget that being polite and well-mannered is not only a way to improve the re-creation of the 18th century upper class atmosphere, but most of all is a form of respect (wich is a "must" in all the civilized ages); and someone who does not respect the others does not deserve any sort of attention.

As always, our ancestors found way before us the core of the problem, when to unnecessary critiques they simply answered: "Medice, cura te ipsum."

Well said and completely agree

How very true! I really believe that we are all coming to second life as a way to have fun, not with the intention in order to be ridiculed. Especially at Melioria I think, where besides having a historical roleplaying going on, the main intention is still to have a bunch of fun with each other (or at least, that is my impression from my few visits).

In a 18th century world etiquette was not just applied at Royal Courts, such as with the example of the rigorous etiquette established by Louis XIV (although it was mainly already developed as Henri III's & Catherine de Medici's etiquette, I believe) but by everyone who formed part of the 'high society', which most of us are trying to play. In this high society everyone followed these social rules, called etiquette, in order to distinguish themselves from the other classes of society. Thus, by doing certain thingss not a certain way, such as by running in the streets or smelling your food, you would easily portray yourself as a vulgar and ill-bred person. Now, concerning this topic here I could find two things in 18th century etiquette quickly:

Giving advice unasked, is another piece of rudness: it is, in effect, declaring ourself wiser than those to whom we give it; reporaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not tob e taken any common acquintance, and there are those, who will be offended, if their advice is not taken.

And

Not that I would have you give up your opinion always; no affert your own sentiments, and oppose those of others, when wrong; but ler your manner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affected. If you contradict, do it with I may be wrong, I wont be positive, but I really think if I may be permitted to say, and close your dispute with good humour, to show you are neither displeased yourself not meant to displease the person you dispute with.

Thus, if you would ever feel the need to share with someone your opinion, it should never be done in a displeasing way, which might upset the other according to 18th century etiquette. [ And I dare say, that this still nowadays is the social rule!]

I think this will always remain a problem with 'brutta figuras' if this person is from a RP where the boundaries between what is OOC and what is IC are more clear. If one leaves this RP but takes the character to other places, than they should leave the rudeness or vulgarity that comes with their character at home, whereas in other RPs and sims they are guests, and should behave as such.

At Versailles, where I play the mistress of the King (Madame du Barry), my character is often attacked and ridiculed. Do I mind? No, absolutely not, it is mainly historically accurate and I know that it is part of the role. As mistress of the King, I am sometimes slightly villainous, but it is only I can be so because I know there are clear boundaries between IC and OOC. All the 'catfights' I've had with Madame Adelaide (daughter of the King) are rather uncomfortable IC, but we laugh about it OOC. I fear some might not always see this 'behind-the-scenes-work.'I always advice everyone to IM someone OOCly, would you feel the need to be malicious to someone ICly, especially if it concerns newer people. Now I am talking about the Versailles RP, where it is more acceptable as long as you keep it IC, but (purposely) insulting someone OOC is never allowed.

OOC = out of character.

IC = In character.

That about sums it up, doesn't it?

I hope so! I think it is important to realize that social rules in RL also have to be applied in SL!

I will give the final word to Adam Petrie, the "Scottish Chesterfield" who stated the following in his book Rules of Good Deportment, Or of Good Breeding,published in Edinburgh in 1720:

"CIVILITY is a pleasant Accomplishment, a Duty injoined by GOD. Weare commandedto be courteous to all Men, and to give Honour to whomHonouris due. It is a bright Ornament to humane Life, and gives a radiant Lustre to Mens Actions. A graceful ingenuous Deportment has certain irresistible Charms with it to attract Mens Affections; especially those that are of Fashion and good Breeding....Manybytheirgood Deportment have fought their Way through the World, and have arrived to the highest Pinacle of Preferments. 'Tis indeed monstrous to see a Nobleman or Gentleman without Civility; every Body shuns him, and despisehim; nonepayshimRespectout of real Esteem, but to satisfy Custom, and to preserve himself from his Oppression....

IT is prudent and discreet to deliberate well before you give Advice, that you do not excite the Advised to embark in an Affair thatmaytendtohisHurt. Themostjudicious are sometimes at a Loss how to manage themselves in nice Affairs, and make no Scruple to confess it, Wits of lower Size are not so timorous in giving their Opinions....

....Rejoice not at the misfortunes of your Enemies; neither add Afflictionsto the afflicted. There are someMen that are quick sighted as to the minutestand most imperceptibleFaults of their Neighbours, and pursue them with bitter Raillery and Satyre, and are blind to the grossest Vices in themselves, which render them despicable.....

We should be ready to oblige allMen; our sodoing will make Tranquility attend our Lives, and will add Lustre to our Fame. What Occasion can we have purposely to disoblige People?Is it a pleasant Thing to makeourNeighbouruneasy? Doweprefer the breaking of a pitifullJest to our Brother'sEase? ThisLibertythat we takeprivileges others to treat us after the same Manner, which will imbitter Conversation. It makes others contemn them, and it ruins the Mocker's Soul....

....Make not too great Profusion of your Knowledge, lest you exhaust your Treasury, and leave no new Thing for to Morrow ; for Knowledge is the Treasure of the Heart, Discretion the Key of it...

It is undiscreet and sinful to raise our selvesonthe Ruinofothers. Manyareglad to find some Things in others that debases them below themselves, and are ready to shew to the World what they find in their Neighbours that's wrong and disagreeable, and are apt to draw ihe Parallel between them, giving themselves the Preeminence for their better Management, etc. They are desirous to be applauded for what they do, but are unwilling to do Justice to the Desert of others. They are so wrapt up in Self- love, that they never advance beyond their own Circumfesrence. They look on themselves as if all Sense were included in their own Brain; theycannot enduretoberivalled in any Thing. They stretch and rack their Thoughts to sully and blacken the MeritsoftheirRivals; fortheyaresotainted withthe vile Contagionof Pride, that their Blood boilswithin themto see the Lustre of others Virtue blazing, notwithstanding all the Fogs they raise to diminish the same. This stirs up others to bend their Minds narrowly to view into their Management, scan all their Ways, notice alltheir Trips andFailings. The Way to live easy is to speak Evil of none. We will be shy in contracting Friendship with illTongues, as fancying that the same Evil they speak of others, they will speak of us when Occasion offers.

We should love the Good and Virtuous, thothey outshine and eclipse our Merit. Discontentedness at this shews the Littleness and Malignity of ourSouls. We should still endeavour to promote the Fame of the Praise-worthy. This is a Tribute that we owe unto them: Yet we should beware of excessive Flattery; for none but Children and Fools will take pleasure therein....

It is undiscireet and cowardly to desert our Friends, when they are abused in their Absence : We ought to omit nothing for their Vindication....When you vindicate your Friend or your self, when impertinently blamed, let your Justification be modest, without expressingDisturbance,IndignationorPassion but if Justice be not done when you are not heard, wait patiently untill People are better informed; and this willadd Lustre to your Merit. It will be convenient that you considerwhether what hath been spoken hath proceeded from Malice or cool Blood.If the Calumny will neither do hurt to our Reputation nor Fortune, the best Way of repressing the same, is not to mind it. To answer it, is to do Prejudice to one's self. To be offended thereat, gives Satisfaction to the Calumniator...

Imustsay, thattospeakEvil of the Absent, evidences an ungenerous Spirit : 'Tis as rude and cowardly, as to wound himunawares. LetusneverbendourEars to hear false Reports of our Neighbours, or Flatteries.

It is not civil to despise a worthy Person, tho he be fallen into Disgrace, and not favouredby Fortune: NeitherapplaudaFool tho he be never so rich and opulent. Polite Persons will still charm those that are frowned upon by Providence with Civilities and obliging Offers, which willgain their Hearts and make them somewhat easy. Whereas to teaze a Man that has had any ill Success, or miscarried in an important Affair, the least disobliging Word will renew his Grief, andcause his Wounds to bleed afresh. Be sure to say nothing to him in those afflicting Moments, but what hath a Tendency to lenify and smooth the Anguish of his Misfortunes, whatever hath been the Cause of the Abortiveness of his Designs, whether for want of Genius or Ability....

It is ill Breeding to mention what hath past in Company, and it is villanous to disfigure and empoison it. You do not much oblige a Man by relating to him the ill Things that have been said of him....

....Well bred and polite Persons easily excuse or cover others little Faults; not that they are insensible of them, but they excuse them out of good Nature, to spare the Guilty of Confusion."